Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
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Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
NOT all policemen are strippers.