The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
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[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.