I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
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PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
🙄😏😂🤣
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford