me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
wtf is a larm clock?
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
this could fix me
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before