For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
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HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Science memes
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.