[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
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trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.