I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
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3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that