If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS