I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
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Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card