been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
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[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing