WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
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“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Oh yeh? Explain this then
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic