I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
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Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.