It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
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Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
tourist season
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.