Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
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Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
#oldknees
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
bugs when you lift up a rock
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Some of y’all tomorrow …
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.