Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
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Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser