wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
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Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
What an awful time to have common sense.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Fries, not lies.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Catercrombie & Fish
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.