[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
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Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
BaD BoY!!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff