[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
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[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me