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*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“That’s what” – She
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
even bears disappoint their mothers
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.