genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.