If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
You Might Also Like
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Is this you?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.