I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
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Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.