I’m pretty like a car crash.
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I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Tell me you get it…🤣
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.