[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Not even remotely sorry.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.