*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
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If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
But I really needed water water water
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse