random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
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me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.