Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
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Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
5 ways to appear taller
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.