I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
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I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.