We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
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if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
A great tip. #CakeRex
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.