After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
You Might Also Like
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Google reviews are always so mixed..
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.