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ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Breaking news:
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”