I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
You Might Also Like
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children