This raises questions
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Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun