I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
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Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
I’m putting together a team
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”