In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.