If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
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“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
😬
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
step 6: release the wall snake
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.