Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
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My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Does beer think about me too?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.