4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
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Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?