I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣