My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
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if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever