Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
can I use a minion as a tampon
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
just got my engagement photos
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*