This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
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I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators