A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
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It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
#Caturday
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.