me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
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ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.