Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
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I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
this FaceApp is creepy af
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!