if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
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Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂