The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice