I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
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Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.