Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Wikigenius
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface