I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
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An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.